Use only as directed. It’s
such a sensible admonition, usually founded in a long, sad history of tragic
outcomes among those who didn’t. Ignore it at your peril. The rationale is typically
self-evident: water-wings should not be used as a lifesaving device; blow-dryers
should not be used in the bathtub; firecrackers should not be held after being
lit. Not surprisingly, the same holds true for paddles and oars; prudent
boaters should use them only for their stated purpose.
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Author's son using paddle "as directed." |
Yeah, right. Who among us hasn’t used an oar as a pole for a
tarp shelter? Show me the paddler who’s above using their ash-and-cherry-laminate
bent-shaft canoe paddle to anchor a campsite clothesline? In truth – and I know
this will horrify the folks who so lovingly craft these refined whitewater
tools, the ones whose highly evolved brains spend countless hours calculating
arcane minutiae like tensile strength and turbulent hydrodymanic flow – in
truth, I’ve seen oars used as pry bars and paddles pressed into service as shovels.
Because after all, improvising is half the fun of river running, right?
But I admit, sometimes improvisation can go too far. Sometimes
your own stupidity catches up with you. The following story is about just that,
a cautionary tale about what can happen when whitewater nitwits armed with
expensive Sawyer paddles and oars ignore that hard-won wisdom, use only as directed.
We begin and end with this lesson learned: Don’t use a
paddle as a snake stick. Sounds obvious enough, but I’ve seen it done. In fact,
I’m the idiot who did it.
There we were alongside the Klamath River, a couple of
families on a lazy overnight raft trip, enjoying a warm evening around the
campfire in a sandy nook nestled among the rocks at the head of a challenging rapid.
Suddenly one of our group shouted a warning to my teenage son: “There’s a
rattlesnake behind you!” Sure enough, just behind his chair was a five-foot
diamondback, slithering under a dry bag. We sprang into action. I grabbed my
trusty Sawyer Cruiser canoe paddle, then told the kids to dump the ice and
drinks out of the beer cooler and bring me the empty cooler and a six-foot cam
strap. Delicately I eased the paddle’s T-grip under the rattler’s belly. The
paddle was 54 inches, but right now it felt a whole lot shorter.
Adrenalin flooded my system and my mind raced. Try as I
might, I couldn’t help recalling the dire warnings of Jane, my snake-phobic
friend who had announced on a Grand Canyon trip that rattlesnakes can jump
three times their length. At the time I knew she had her math completely wrong,
and I had mocked her mercilessly -- what kind of moron, after all, would
imagine a six-foot snake leaping 18 feet? But that was then. Just now, as I was
plucking this royally pissed-off snake from the sand, I wasn’t quite so
confident. True, this snake wasn’t a full six feet … but that might not matter.
I couldn’t stop the irrational part of my brain from working Jane’s ludicrous equation
to its terrifying conclusion: 3 x 5 = 15 feet. Canoe paddle = 4 feet 6 inches. Crap,
what if Jane was right?
Thankfully, the instant I lifted the snake it went limp. I
dropped it in the cooler, slammed the lid, wound the cam strap around and
cinched it down tight. Instantly the snake was active again – and positively livid,
rattling away inside the cooler like a handful of BB’s tossed into a blender.
Holy crap, that sucker was seriously ticked off! Better not take any chances: I
had the kids get a second cam strap and wrapped that one around too, for good
measure. Any creature that could leap three times its length was not to be trifled
with.
Now what? Clearly we didn’t want this enraged reptile
anywhere near our camp. Across the river seemed like the minimum safe distance.
It was a tough ferry, but it was probably doable. So four of us jumped in the
oar boat, along with the cooler and its buzzing occupant. Don’t ask me why we
needed four people to wrangle one rattler -- I have no idea. As I took the oars
(Sawyers, naturally, but in this case being used for their proper purpose!) I
shouted to my son to be sure to bring a paddle. We’d need a snake stick again on
the far bank. I rowed across the river in utter darkness, keeping my sense of
direction by the sound of the rapid just downriver. I fought the current,
wondering whether we’d make it across before being swept over the lip. Where
was the point of no return? Impossible to tell in the gloom, but the roar was definitely
getting louder. No way I wanted to run this rapid in the dark, especially not
with a venomous snake seething in a cooler – never mind the double cam straps.
We grated to a halt on the far bank just above the rapid, piled
out, then gingerly brought the cooler ashore like an unexploded bomb. We set it
on the cobble bar and stood back, glancing nervously at one other, our eyes
silently asking the obvious question: which of us was the chump with the short
straw who got to open the cooler? Nobody volunteered. The cooler, full of
rattler sound and fury just minutes ago, stood eerily silent. But that only magnified
the menace. We could all imagine the crafty rattler in there playing dead,
lying in wait, ready to leap 15 feet and sink its fangs into the neck of whatever
poor sod opened the lid.
There was no escaping it. My kids and their buddies were
watching. What kind of father would I be if I refused this Mission Impossible?
Sure, we could leave the cooler unopened and simply retreat to camp … but that
would doom the snake, and my kids were animal lovers to the core. I was trapped
like a rat -- or more precisely, like a field mouse about to receive a lethal
dose of venom.
Unable to escape my manly duty, I mustered all available testosterone,
undid the cam strap, tipped the cooler onto its side with my foot, then skittered
back like a kid who’d just lit the fuse on a cherry bomb. The lid fell open and
… nothing. No sound, no movement. We exchanged wary looks, then circled around
to the front of the cooler, keeping several paces back but (I was acutely
aware) still well within the 15-foot kill zone. We peered inside. Our headlamps
illuminated a rattler that could only be described as … chillin’. Surely this
was not the same snake? And then it dawned on me: the beer cooler had been full
of crushed ice right up to the moment before we dropped the snake in, and now
the hapless reptile had cooled to the point that it could barely flick its forked
tongue at us. This was one seriously sedated snake.
But now how in the heck were we going to get it out of the
cooler? The snake looked pretty woozy, but you never knew, that might just be a
clever rattler ruse. None of us wanted to approach to the cooler, but there was
nothing else for it: this impasse would clearly require a frontal assault.
Keeping my eyes glued to the snake I said to my son: “Give me the paddle.” He
handed it to me. It felt strange. I hazarded a quick look and … what the ____? Egads,
this wasn’t my canoe paddle! It was my kayak paddle – a Sawyer Diamondback (oh,
the irony!) which, although it was a precisely engineered and astoundingly
beautiful whitewater tool shaped by the loving hands of third-generation Oregon
craftsmen from cherry, Western red cedar and diagonally overlapping layers of carbon
fiber fabric … was utterly useless as a snake stick! No freaking T-grip! Just
blades! My son, in helpfully choosing the longest implement he could find, had provided
me not with a snake stick, but a snake spoon!
Now I don’t suppose you’ve ever tried to coax an infuriated
but hypothermic rattlesnake onto the blade of a kayak paddle, in the dark, with
trembling hands and your heart racing like a hamster on meth. I have. It took
forever. It was like trying to pick up an overcooked five-foot linguini with a
Teflon-coated shovel. The sagging snake kept slipping and sliding like a
pathetic drunk -- or some elongated deboned chicken -- oozing off first one
side of the blade, then the other.
Gradually, the warm night air began reviving the comatose
diamondback, which made it easier to handle but also raised the possibility
that it might be alert enough to strike. Not three times its length, to be sure,
not in its present state. But maybe half that? So let’s see, that would be 1.5
x 5 = 7.5 feet ... and my kayak paddle was, hmmm, just over 6 feet long … aw
crap.
In the end, I sort of scooped and flicked the snake out of
the cooler. It landed right in front of us, somebody screamed (probably me),
and suddenly we were all running and shrieking. In an instant, our nervous
little team of snake charmers was a frenzied mob, elbowing and shoving in blind
panic, screaming and laughing hysterically, piling into the raft like bank
robbers trying to squeeze into a getaway car all at once. There was no thought
of grabbing the cooler – we’d get that tomorrow … if ever. Right now we just wanted to burn rubber outa there!
The current was strong, and I barely managed to pull back
across the flow. Slowly we clawed our way up an eddy, then across the broad
back of the Klamath, eventually regaining the beach at our campsite. It was
only then, as we landed, that we realized the real peril of our situation. In
our panic to transport the fearsome reptile to the far bank we had completely
forgotten to put on our life jackets. In our overweaning fear of this poor
half-frozen snake, we had just rowed to the very brink of a serious rapid, in
the pitch dark, and could easily have been swept to a watery – and very
embarrassing -- end.
Which brings us to the moral of our story: Never use a
paddle as a snake stick -- not even a Sawyer (but if you must, make bloody well
sure it has a T-grip!). Let’s all show a little respect to these beautiful
hand-crafted tools of the whitewater trade, and the diligent men and women who
so lovingly design them. Take it from me: to avoid unwanted side effects, use only as directed.
By Bill Cross